Angry Birds: The Movie is everything you would expect from a movie that is based on a popular, plotless iPhone app, which is to say, it stinks.

But after watching the movie and musing on its awfulness the next morning while in the shower (which, we all should admit, is the best place for such musings), I began to think about the thin plot, which is, it turns out upon reflection, quite shocking: A xenophobic anti-immigration morality tale, presented here in summary: Red is the name of a red bird (creative name choice, right?) who has anger issues, and in his mundane bird life on peaceful bird island he has to take anger management classes when BOOM – we have our inciting incident: a giant boat with some pigs (declaring nothing but peaceful intentions) lands on his island, literally destroying his house.

The pigs, claiming to be small in number, delight their hosts with food and parties (see pics below), but Red is suspicious, because, you see, they’re very different, these pigs, and seem too eager to please, and despite everyone’s objections, Red urges caution, saying that there’s something fishy going on here.

When Red discovers many more pigs hidden in the boat, it fails to set off appropriate alarms, and Red is scolded for not being more trusting and welcoming like birds are known to be, even as more boats full of immigrants pigs arrive and their true intentions become known: to steal the eggs – the children! – of the birds (which are, after all, quite delicious).

The pigs escape to their own land, kidnapped children in their full possession, and Red and his friends have to summon – get this – a Bald Eagle, once heroic and mighty, to come to their aid, which he eventually does, taking the fight to the enemy (via slingshots and explosives, as dictated by the source material), rescuing the eggs as Red realizes that his anger problem isn’t really a problem at all – it’s just something he can channel towards defeating his enemies! – leaving Piglandia a fiery inferno, her inhabitants burned alive, with our heroes flying away just in time to avoid the giant mushroom cloud (!) rising behind them.

This is neither a joke nor an exaggeration, and is an accurate retelling of the plot, so help me God. #makebirdlandiagreatagain

But back to my review: The colors are bright, the animation and expression honestly impressive, the action is fast, the jokes are pandering, the toilet humor (and yes, I’m referring to the long urination scene) is, well, toilet humor, and the whole thing is a loud, uninspired mess (unless you’re staunchly anti-immigration, in which case it’s the best thing on Netflix right now!).

Worth but one of these seven run-on sentences.

Rob Webster
Latest posts by Rob Webster (see all)